Imagine this...

A guy you've been dating for a few months finds out that you briefly dated one of your close male friends about a year ago. This occurred several months before you had even met your current boyfriend. Nothing has happened romantically between you and your close friend for so long now that it now feels like ancient history, and you have dated a number of other guys since..

But upon finding this out, your boyfriend proceeds to act like a small child, literally... He has a hissy fit and runs away into the night, not to be seen or heard from again until the following day. For the next several weeks your boyfriend uses this triviality as ammunition against you every chance he gets; so much so that you engage in heated arguments on more than one occasion. Keep in mind, your boyfriend is a guy who recently revealed to you that he hooked up with a stripper during the short time he has known you. That's right, a stripper.. and expected you to be completely fine upon finding out about this tasty little tidbit of information.

Boyfriend says that the sight of your friend's posts on your facebook page makes his blood boil, and he orders you to remove him as your friend on the social networking site. In fact, he orders you to sever ties with your close friend altogether: you can't be around him, you can't call him, you can't text him, you can't breathe the same fucking air as him.

So what do you do?

Do you perhaps realize that your boyfriend is a ridiculously insecure, jealous, controlling, immature, hypocritial douchebag that will make a scene every time you so much as glance at another man?

Or do you do as King Boyfriend commands and disown your friend, who clearly has done nothing wrong.. and who is one of the most loyal friends you will ever have in your lifetime?

If I was a girl in this position I know I would choose the former. Most would have enough self-respect to do so, I think. Unfortunately, not all fall into this category.

And that is quite unfortunate.

Funny how one or two.. or nine little words are enough to keep you up all night...

Tomorrow Never Knows

I couldn't sleep last night. After watching Robert Downey Jr. in "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" (a quality comedy/action movie) I found myself wide awake in the wee hours. So I grabbed the iPod and bounced around my room to some Stevie Ray Vaughan for a bit. Then, at nearly 5am, I decided to take a shower in an attempt to put mind and body at ease.

Before I got out I felt inclined to lay down in the tub as if I was taking a bath. I closed my eyes and, as a famous band once said, turned off my mind, relaxed, and floated down stream...

I felt the hot water from the shower splashing all around me and turned it into a hot tub over-looking the beach at sunset in a tropical location. The music I heard in the background had a Latin flavor, so I think it was Mexico, possibly Puerto Vallarta. In my right hand was a mai tai (a fruity drink, yes, but I was far away in a tropical paradise so Man Laws permit it.) To my left was a girl.. Who? I'm not sure exactly. Maybe she was blonde, maybe she had olive-colored skin. I couldn't tell for sure.. but I had my arm around her. And we just sat there. Listening to the ocean and the music. With the smell of carne asada and carnitas wafting in from a distance. And as I soaked there under the pink sky I had no worries about money. No anxiety about acting. No stress about traffic. No nothing. Except the beach and the sunset and the mai tais and the sounds and the smells and her. And at that moment I was content with the world. I had absolutely everthing I needed in life.

And then I opened my eyes.

Ode to 3 Rad Dads...

On this Father's Day I think it's only appropriate to pay tribute to the three men who have raised me and been about the best damn father-figures a guy could ask for...

Dave Seaton is a hell of a dad. He's the type of dad that would literally drop everything and move 3,000 across the country just to be closer to his sons.. which he did, of course, when my brother and I moved to Masssachusetts with my mom in 1994. When we moved back to California in 1998, he dropped everything yet again and followed us right back. In fact no matter how many times we moved (and we moved a lot) or how far away, it was never far enough to keep my dad from making the long treak every weekend to take Jeff and me out to lunch and a movie. He would do just about anything we asked him to, within reason of course. Last night I told him I had left my cell phone charger in Carlsbad; by 10:45am this morning it was back in my possession, thanks to Dad. My dad has always been a vital presence in my life; he wouldn't have it any other way. I've always gotten bi-(or tri-) weekly calls from him to get the latest on what I'm doing with my life (and make sure I'm doing it right!) Because, straight up, my dad cares. He's as loyal to his boys as they come. And that's pretty awesome.

Dick Rivoira wins. What does he win? ..Oh just "Coolest Stepdad Ever," of course. Far too often you hear about how much of a douchebag So-and-so's stepfather is. Well not this guy. By the time he decided to ask my mom to marry him (when I was 10), Dick had already raised and put three children through college... For Mom, Jeff and me he was happy to do it all over again. And he's done one hell of a job. Whether he's cracking one of his famous "jokes", or charming the pants off the lady-friends we bring over, or texting me after the latest Padres/Chargers win/debacle, Dick's one hip and cool guy. Don't believe me? Then obviously you don't know Dick. I mean how many stepdads are cool enough to play ice hockey, ride motorcylces, talk in a badass Boston accent, and STILL find the time to raise two stepkids as his own? Well I can think of one. He just so happens to be married to my mom. And I'm pretty lucky for that.

From the days when I was three feet tall, had blonde hair, and called him "Crappah", I've always thought of Jack Garner as more of a best friend than a grandfather. My earliest memories are of my grandpa eating plums with me from the trees at his old place on Valley Rim Rd. while rocking back and forth on his swing. Many of my fondest memories, in fact, include my grandpa. And why shouldn't they? Since I was a kid he's been "The Most Interesting Man in the World" for me, brimming with life stories that have fascinated me since as long as I can remember. That Dos Equis guy has got jack on Jack as far as I'm concerned. I've learned more from him than I can even recall... A Charger game just wouldn't be a Charger game withough talking to Grandpa after it, a birthday just wouldn't be a birthday without Grandpa telling me how proud of me he is, and my youth just wouldn't have been the same without having a man as kind and admirable as Grandpa in it.

So Dad, Dick and Grandpa: here's to you.. Happy Fathers Day!

The fairer sex

At the risk of sounding odd and somewhat creepy, I'd just like to mention how much I love women. I love talking to them, listening to them and watching them do their girly things. I love hanging out with them, opening doors for them and, from time to time, flirting with them. I love how charming they are, how complex they are and how vulnerable they are.

I've found that most of the time they're more fun to spend time with than guys. A chat with a girl can run the gambit as far as topics of converstion: life, love, family, friends, ex's, turn-ons, turn-offs, music, movies, current events, the world at large, etc... A conversation with another guy usually consists of two things: 1.)Sports and 2.) Women.

Women are physically beautiful.. even the ones that aren't particularly attractive. Sadly, we men are not. Not in the least. While their bodies have been the subject of works of art for centuries, ours are just awkward-looking and built to move heavy objects and not much else. In fact, sometimes I don't understand what about a guy attracts a girl at all.

Sometimes they infatuate me; sometimes they scare the living shit out of me: whenever I feel like I've hurt or offended a girl my heart immediately sinks into my stomach. But they always captivate me. Women are an intricate coil of thoughts and emotions that I will never fully understand, which is perhaps why I find them so incredibly fascinating. I would NEVER want to be a woman, not even for a day... but man oh man do I love 'em.

Pubic Enemies #1 and #2

Due to a customer complaint, this was replaced by a 3-D cardboard Harry Potter advertisement five minutes after we took these photos...