Saturday, April 25, 2009

DWBA: Driving While Being an Ass

In the near 8 months I've now spent in the darkest depths of hell...errrr...driving on the I-5, 405 and 101 freeways in Los Angeles, I've discovered a startling fact: exactly 66.6 % of the drivers in the City of Angels are complete ASSES.

Those guilty of DWBA, or "Driving While Being an ASS" (also known as "Driving Under the Influence of Idiocy") can generally be broken into two distinct categories: ASSHOLES and DUMBASSES. For your pleasure, I will now break down the characteristics of each of these groups - both of which elicit feelings of unspeakable rage from me on a daily basis, often prompting me to kick puppies and punch small children. And now...


The ASSHOLE has one clear objective in mind: to get to his/her (usually his) destination as quickly as possible without paying any mind whatsoever to the safety and general well-being of others on the road. Likely behind the wheel of his luxury car or Sport Utility Vehicle, the ASSHOLE is easily identified by his eagerness to weave in and out of traffic (often without using his turn signal) as if it's actually going to get him to where he needs to be significantly faster. His preferred method of communication is blaring his horn as long as possible to express his displeasure at not getting to his destination quickly enough. He is also often found driving 25+ miles over the speed limit and tailgating you despite the fact that you're already going 80 and despite the fact he could easily just go around you if he wanted. But he doesn't; he is, of course, an asshole. Need to merge over to the right or left to exit or enter the freeway? Well tough shit! - the ASSHOLE isn't gonna let you. He's got places to be (pronto!) and he sure as hell isn't gonna let your ass get him there .00001 seconds later! The high level of frustration he causes others on the highway can only be surpassed by...


Oh, the poor poor dumbass; he/she (more commonly she) just doesn't know any better. Behind the wheel of her coupe she is oblivious and lost, plain and simple. You know that person who insists on entering the carpool lane and then proceeds to drive slower than traffic in the non-carpool lanes? This is the DUMBASS at work. Often she may also be spotted in your blind spot (if you could even see her there!), directly in front of you (after she cuts you off), or driving 4-6 miles down the freeway with her turn signal, unknowingly, on the entire time. But she is perhaps most recognizable when blocking traffic: Driving down a busy street DUMBASS sees a person getting ready to leave their parking spot along the side of the road, so she flips on her signal and makes the decision to take it. To her this is a seemingly harmless decision... except for the fact that, in doing so, she has parked herself right smack in the middle of a congested lane. DUMBASS has now created a line of two dozen pissed-off drivers behind her who are now forced to wait for her to make a feeble attempt at parallel parking (They would try to merge over to the left, but ASSHOLE won't let them!) ...Oh, and you know those "Do Not Block Intersection" signs? Well DUMBASS simply cannot see and/or comprehend these.

So there you have it - the reason why I dread pulling out of my parking garage in Burbank every day. Should you ever have the misfortune of having to make the trek to L.A. in a motor vehicle, never underestimate the callousness and stupidity of the ASSHOLE and the DUMBASS, respectively.

...And, in some (dangerous) rare cases - the DUMBASSHOLE!


  1. I just spent the entire weekend driving in/around the LA area. I witnessed many drivers falling under both category, they have helped me begin to cherish the idea of not having to drive for 8 months.

  2. I envy you greatly. I'm about to drive my car off the Santa Monica Pier...

  3. I realized the other day.... if your definitions are correct.... I drive like an asshole.
    I've become my own worst nightmare. It's really a benefit to the rest of the driving world that I get out from behind the wheel of the car.